Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The officer... who wasn't a gentleman

Let me tell you about the first post-heartbreak experience.

It was actually in the midst of all the breakup drama. My boss suggested I get away for a few days. I think she just couldn't handle seeing my unwashed, uncombed hair, and massive bags under my eyes, coffee breath... you know typical breakup wear.

So I took her advice.. headed to Dallas for the weekend.

I decided to call up an old guy friend from my late teen years that I had met in Texas through my high school girl friend. He was always this cute, funny guy that had a lingering sexual attraction. However... I had a boyfriend and he always seemed to be taken as well.

While seeking him out on Facebook... I got his number and we texted for the week leading up to my Dallas trip. I found out he was now a police officer in Dallas... and what woman doesn't love a man in uniform.

Weekend of the trip.

I assumed it would just be us catching up. I never felt the attraction I had was mutual between us.

He worked evenings so we agree to meet at a bar after he got off that Friday. He never called. I ended up sitting in the hotel drinking lime-a-ridas (YUK) while my ex texted asking non stop if I was with this guy. ... Because he had room to talk at this point.

Saturday evening, after the officer apologized because he got stuck at work the night before, he texted at midnight asking if I wanted to meet up. Seeing as I was already a 6 pack of lime-a-ridas in (What... I mean I bought a 12 pack and I'm not one for wasting...) I asked if he wanted to just head to my hotel to catch up.

I ran to the bathroom fixed my face, shaved my legs... not sure why because I was POSITIVE he wasn't into me that way.

He finally gets there and we talk for about an hour over drinks about old times... We somehow begin making out.

Okay.... O... you got this...

I of course am being absent minded thinking this is all it is.

I turn to grab a drink, flip back over ... and


His is BUTT NAKED .. and his ..ahemm.. officer is at attention right in my face.

Now.. don't get me wrong, I am not prude, and this man was very attractive. But I was NOT expecting this lighting drop of clothes...

I nearly, in shock, spit my lime-a-rida all over the bed.. but somehow manage to contain myself.

I give the "my aunt flo" is in town excuse. and we fall asleep.

It made for a very awkward morning and a few texts after the fact.

Followed by him dropping off the face of the earth.

Monday, June 2, 2014

The breakup.

Lets just get right down to it shall we?
(If you are not a fan of mindless ranting... this isn't the blog for you)

I am sure you are wondering what this tragic life changing breakup consisted of? Right? I mean you are thinking it was just another run of the mill "he broke my heart and cheated.. blah blah"

NO.. well YES, but it was a little more, for lack of better words, crappy than that.

Let's speed past the first 6 years of his... "I will only love you and always you." Bullcrap and then the constant back and forth of me asking him to not text other girls, not because I was insecure, but I don't necessarily like seeing selfies of skanks on my boyfriends phone.

fast-forward past 7 years of me supporting his constant career changes from wanna-be firefighter (because he never actually did it, but got a tattoo of the firefighter symbol, a hmm unfinished tattoo), then the pest control job, the assembling furniture job, the maybe i should be an electrician, or join the coast guard, or HEY here is an idea, let me be a bartender at a On the Border. Finally, the decision to be a paramedic.  Supporting this, of course, and letting him live with me while he worked nights, and went to school during the day, and still got paid- yet I paid all the bills. I am there at all graduations and ceremonies when his family wasn't.

Then the night. We just spent a weekend camping, come home, he works night shift.

4:00 am- He comes home, I was waiting up. Listen to him talk about his night. We fall asleep

6:00 am. His phone goes off. Normally it is on silent.. so I run to his work clothes and find it to silence it, because a good girlfriend wants him to get sleep.

6:02am the text reads
" I wish you were here cuddling with me"

6:03am rage sets in.
    I respond. He is cuddling with me ... his girlfriend.. in our bed. Who the @&%& is this?

I am sure I can skip most of the nasty details that followed.

Two months of sleeping with his... "friend"... and I am finding out now, while my engagement ring is being paid for that i never saw.


One fake pregnancy (NOT ME!) later to make it easier on me of course. Breaking up of all the shared bills, and splitting up the dogs. 100+ harassing emails from the "lady friend" and him promising me she is not who he wants, he could only marry me, followed him tattooing my initials on his arm, and then.... a few months later...

they are in another state getting married.

on a monday afternoon.

One week from our 8 year anniversary.

1/3 of my life.. wasted. 8 years, my adult life... done, and for what?

He did meet up with me two weeks later.  To tell me he loved me and he wasn't thinking clearly. (Umm what?!)

Needless to say. I ate a lot of cupcakes that month.

That was the 4 months that changed my life.  The 4 months that were my wake up call.  I hadn't been living.

Time to start living.

Intro to my story....

Since the first memory of a child I can recall.. I have always been boy crazy.
From falling in love with my favorite TV super hero to knowing the man that worked with my dad was my future husband. (Keeping in mind I was about 5 at this time).

Boys have always been something that revolved around my brain. Until about a year and a half ago... when I had the most traumatic heartache of my life at 26. Eight dramatic years of loving the same unreliable, but fun guy and he up and decided to marry someone else without officially breaking up with me first. I will tell you that story later.

Not only was I shattered but the thought of love, marriage, babies... made me sick.  Literally sick... like find the nearest trashcan because I was about to share the 10 cupcakes and vanilla latte I had consumed over the last week with it.

From that point to now I have experienced a comical amount of failed dates, hookups, and well very very short relationships... (depending on what your definition of relationships is.)
I even have a few of my single best friends failed attempts as well. We decided last weekend ... maybe WE just aren't marriage material.

I have been kind enough alter the names.. or chicken enough, however you would like to look at it.
Most of these stories ended with either a cup of coffee, whiskey, or both.